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light humor

 page 1      page 2     page 3     page 4 

I have four pages of light humor which I've posted for everyone's enjoyment. If you are easily offended, DON'T read them! Got more? -- Thanks, Don

Try your hand at some challenging light related puzzles. If you know of other puzzles, email me!

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
A: None. They assume the problem away.
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around in the dark.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q: How many egotists / egomaniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New light bulb."

Q: How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. But, it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.

Q: How long would it take an elephant and a rhinoceros to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hell if I know.

Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.

Q: How does an engineer change a light bulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !

Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.

Q: How many environmental compliance professionals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 21, one to change the bulb, 10 to figure out how to dispose of the old one, and 10 to apply to the regulatory agencies for a disposal permit.

Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

Q: How many ergonomists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...

Q: How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw in Cortinas

Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.

Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

Q: How many ethnic gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They like Danzig in the dark.

Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
A: Two. One to doubt the existence of the bulb, and one to question the need to replace it since we are all destined to die anyway.

Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? Blush

Q: How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because The KILLOR killed him!

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
A: None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
A: Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and minorities will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
A: Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2 years supply.
A: None. Women have a supreme court, constitutionally protected right to work in the dark if they choose to.
A: It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be banned by the FCC.
A: Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks are for!
A: One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority or woman contractor.
A: If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the government or the father to support any children resulting from such a sexual act. She will also require free day care for the light bulb children and federal funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be treated under affirmative action hiring quotas.
A: One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be able to replace the light bulb much easier.
A: One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect the environment... But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will use the cheapest one.
A: Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
A:Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
A: Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to provide her children light without federal assistance; and a N.O.W. Attorney to ask the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in the first place.
A: Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly looking at her in the dark.
A:Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a third of the way in.
A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
A: Five. One to screw the bulb and four to negotiate television movie rights for their account of the experience.
A: Seven. One to change the light bulb, three to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
A: That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10 women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a salary of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man to do it.
A: Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities in the dark.
A:11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a survivors of darkness support group!
A: Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the socket is.
A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream feminism.
A: 30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency...
A: 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be changed!

Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?"
A: Two. One to put the new one in, and one to sell the old one as an antique.
A: None. They just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet ensign for lots of profit.
A: Just one. But he'll charge you double for it.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc.)
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.

Q: How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one because the world revolves around him.

Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a second year subject.

Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

Q: How many fish does it take to change a light bulb?
A: surrealist.

Q: How many fisherman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but "It got away"

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--but how did they get in there?

Q: How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.

Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it, one to write the grant, and one to complain that the old one was better.
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q: How many football managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)

Q: How many footballers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
A: Fifteen. One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 00000000001

Q: How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.

Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
A: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A: Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new light bulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops! I mean, er, the light bulb.

Q: How many furfen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb. One to complain that there was too much erotica in the previous answer and this one, and that people should come up with more non-erotic answers because of the impact on public negativity towards furriness. And the third to explain about their erotic dreams involving furry light bulb jokes.

Q: How many furries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb. Three to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear clothing which emphasizes curves and musculature, and look cute and dangerous at the same time.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the fuse?
A: That's a blow !

Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.

Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
A: Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk about the shade !
A: Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove it!
A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"

Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you want it to.
A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light Bulbs.'
A: Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Q: How many Generals/politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many generation X'ers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q: Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
A: Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control checkers at the Lowenbru brewery here in the beautiful city of Munich where they have to carefully check that each and every stage of the beer brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a very important job both in terms of the quality of all the Lowenbru beers and of course the financial good health of the company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance? What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our beer.

Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.

Q: How many giraffes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one screw for each of their necks.

Q: How many Glaswegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your f*****g business.

Q: How many polite Glaswegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the light bulb.

Q: How many Global Warming Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 16. 1 to collect data on the old bulb, burning hours, temperature, etc. 1 to "adjust" the data collected to match required later result. 1 to prepare graphs and research based on adjusted data to "prove" premature bulb failure was due to AGW. 2 to apply for government grants for further research. 4 to conduct new research to prove bulb failure is related to increased human emissions of CO2 into the atmosphere. 2 to petition for a new more efficient bulb with lower lifetime carbon. 1 to actually install the new LED lamp. 2 to present their LED installation triumph at a conference in a holiday paradise which they fly 1500 mile to attend. 1 to quickly download and backup all previous data and emails before Trump can get to it. 1 to finally switch the light off as the last person made redundant leaves the building.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a big load of light bulbs!

Q: How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
A: Just one, who gets the candles out.
A: Just one, they normally can't cope with others anyway.

Q: How many government officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to determine its constitutionality.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light bulbs a day.
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.

Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.

Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.

Q: How many Group 4 security guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two in an armored car, but it escaped on its way to the socket.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
A:Five. One to do it and four to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many hairdressers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two; one to change the bulb, the other to say 'Wow, that looks fabulous Gary!'

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
A: None. They always work in the dark.

Q: How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hare Krishna."

Q: How many Harvard men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
A: None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial work.

Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on the new one.

Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent!"

Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the bulb gets screwed in.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.

Q: How many hippies from Oregon does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q: How many home secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.
A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q: How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
A: None. "Who needs lights?"
A: That depends. If it's a red light, they'll all fight over it, otherwise you'd have a better chance getting them to change a $20.

Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.

Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.

Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.

Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.

Q: How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

Q: How many IBM programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 33. One to change the light bulb and the other 32 to write 14 volumes of documentation of which half consists of pages containing only "This page left intentionally blank" and the other half definitions such as " 'bulb' can be defined as a glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral to the ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A Preliminary Identification Guide")"

Q: How many IBM staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon emitter units.

Q: How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hit man to club the other skater on the knee.

Q: How many IKEA shop assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."

Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.
A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
A: Eight; two to break down the door and kill the family, five to loot the house, and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that no one ever has enough time to get anything done!

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One says to the other, "Could you turn the light on in here Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to drink till the room spins.
A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round!
A: 1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the house round.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q: How many Italian soccer referees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Putting in a working bulb would expose the yellow streak down his back.
A: None. He'll never see the light about that offside goal anyway.

Q: How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one (James) WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...

Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.

Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.

Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Change it to what?

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the mineral water.

Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves.....
A: None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light bulb for them, and after all they've done for you...
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.

Q: How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a tech job.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q: How many "changing light bulbs" joke writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

Q: How many Kender does it take to change a light bulb?" light bulb? Oh, this light bulb. You must have dropped it. I just picked it up to return it to you...

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q: How many Kentucky football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets only 1 hour credit for it, fumbles it completely, and all of UK fans groan about it for the entire semester. Meanwhile UK basketball players change light bulbs successfully, get 6 credits for it plus a car, money, and the fans go wild.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: light bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out..."
A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.
A: Three: one who knows how to change it, one who knows how the light switch works and one to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectuals.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many knock-knock jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who's there?

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.

Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many law students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rule book gets de fenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
A: It only takes one to change your bulb... to his.
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: None, lawyers prefer to keep their clients in the dark.
A: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill (Itemization of bill charges): Item Light bulb, Charge $2185 - Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $400 - Connectivity charge $100 - Staff charge $250 - Secretary prepared bill $ 2 - Research fee $ 422 - Consulting fee $ 431 - Paralegal processing fees $ 25 - Specialized equipment $ 122 - Bought bulb $ 5 - Overnight express delivery $ 34 - Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394 - 7. It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
A: Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company. 10. Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers. 11. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the nonnegotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being nonnegotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."


Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

Q: How many Leninists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynecologist.
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
A: Sixty-nine.

Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "light bulb."

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None."Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of... (blah blah waffle)"

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A: None. Because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or...

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed delectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
A: One. It isN't soo easy.
A: Two, the new one and the old one.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to screw Netscape?
A: Four. One for employees of non-profit organizations, one for students and educators, one for people who can read a license agreement, one for people who expect a company to keep its word.

Q: How many lighting designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not my job.

Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto." And they don't do anything in the first place.

Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out... Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out...
A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.)

Q: How many local government officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to change the light bulb and fourty-nine to carry out a fact finding mission to Barbados to see how they change light bulbs there.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They think it will grow back on its own.
A: One, but he uses a chain saw.
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate!

Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck...

Q: How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright !

Q: How many lunatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the light bulb and the other to tell him to make sure he sticks his fingers in the socket first, to see if the electricity is switched on.

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve to talk about how they miss the old one.


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