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light humor

 page 1     page 2     page 3      page 4 

I have four pages of light humor which I've posted for everyone's enjoyment. If you are easily offended, DON'T read them! Got more? -- Thanks, Don

Try your hand at some challenging light related puzzles. If you know of other puzzles, email me!

Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
A: It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of UNIX and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of light bulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the light bulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing light bulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the light bulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Car to try to get them to explain when a new version of the light bulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using light bulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its light bulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz light bulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical light bulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the light bulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of light bulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger light bulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire light bulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the light bulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking light bulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Light Bulb manuals, and, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, now.
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
A: Please let us know!
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a hardware problem... 10. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over. 11. One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf. 12. Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands! 13. Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output. 14. It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.

Q: How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman.

Q: How many Saturn owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, but the factory guy has to talk them through it.

Q: How many people from Savannah does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to change it, and one blue haired old lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.

Q: How many Scarlett O'Haras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Q: How many schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all know it's only him, so...

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.

Q: How many Schriners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, and three to steady the wagon.

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources..."
A: Two. But, it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They coexisted in a parallel universe, though.

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and years and set you back a quarter million bucks.

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
A: That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner members of the hierarchical order.

Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark

Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Why do we have to change it?"

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't get up that high.

Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn!"

Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way.

Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

Q: How many shape shifters does it take to change a light bulb?"
A: None. They are the light bulb.

Q: How many shareware authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. This feature is only available in registered versions.

Q: How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.

Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!

Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Sicilians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.

Q: How many skateboarders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "Heeey! I could do that!"

Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb will do so too.

Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But, the light bulb has to want to change.
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "We'll document it in the manual."
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: if (you == "Bill Gates") hold(light_bulb) & let_revolve_around(world, you); end if
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
A: The change is 90% complete.
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem.

Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a while for the world to revolve around her.
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
A: One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it was really too high for her.

Q: How many creatures from Sorority does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
A: 6 - one to screw it in and 5 to make the t-shirts.
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can't change a light bulb. You have to smash it!

Q: How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why bother?
A: (I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway?)

Q: How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many stage managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
A: Union rules prevent the changing of light bulbs by unskilled employees lacking the skills of lighting technicians. If they wish, a stage manager can request that the production manager hires a lighting designer. This designer can make plans for the overall appearance of the light. Having done this, the designer must consult with the stage manager and the production manager to confirm both the practical and the financial position of the company. Given the process is viable, the lighting designer can consult the director as to the artistic elements of the aforesaid project. Given approval at all these steps, the lighting designer and the production manager can carry out an interview process. The lighting technician who is hired can then check process viability, before requesting a cheque from the production manager. The lighting technician can then purchase a light bulb from the furthest but cheapest lighting supplier, preferably Electric Sunshine Lighting in Sydney Australia. Upon arrival, the light bulb can be checked by the technician and he can request that the stage manager helps him with the ladder while he changes the light bulb in the men's toilet at the Fringe Club Theatre in Hong Kong.

Q: How many standards body officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Threaded or Bayonet?

Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This should be determined using a non parametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthropologist to pull away the ladder.
A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
A: 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.

Q: How many straight men from West Hollywood does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one and he doesn't need any help.

Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A: None. The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Q: How many supplysiders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Bathtub full of power tools.
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Fish.
A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish !")

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.

Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just find them.

Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A: One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eighteen, you got a problem with that?

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The user can work it out."

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?..."
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
A: Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence.

Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
A: Twenty-one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Q: How many theater electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Lamp! It's a goddamned lamp!
A: One to get the ladder, one to take out the old lamp, one to throw away the old lamp, etc.
A: One, but it's still a four hour call (union stagehands get paid four hours minimum just for walking in the door).

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.

Q: How many thought police does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There never was a light bulb...

Q: How many tight gits does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts 1000 hours.

Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to screw it in, and one to see if that's how they do it in New York.
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.

Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving women underwear.
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatized and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Q: How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.

Q: Why did the light bulb fall out of the tree?
A: Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
A: Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
A: Cos it was autumn. (eh?)

Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb has to be changed constantly.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to actually do it, and five to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it.

Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."

Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic.

Q: How many U.S. fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb??
A: Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!

Q: How many U.S. marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q: How many U.S. Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional amendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.

Q: How many Ukrainians from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
A: None. They just hold it up and it works.

Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin 'n' tonics with the yuppies.

Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding?
A2:: 50.
Q2: Why 50?
A3: It's in the contract.

Q: How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Unitarian Universalists don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in sleeping bags!

Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that: * This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps, * There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality, * We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference, and * We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.

Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it.

Q: How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the light bulb to be changed.
A: Two. One to hold it and one to turn him around.
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Light Bulbs Union first and then what to call the new light bulb - (the Nelson Mandela light bulb?), one to put it in... and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...

Q: How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

Q: How many UNIX programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

Q: How many UNIX Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!

Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)

Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to point out the spelling (you illiterate idiot!), one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from the news group, one to ask for a copy of the last message : -) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.

Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like it in the dark.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
A: Two. One to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.

Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: (Ahem...) We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You wouldn't know because you weren't there, man, you weren't there!

Q: How many Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, one to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how fine the old one was.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Virgos don't have time to change their own light bulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"

Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6. 1..."

Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A little bit of bitterness there from Brian.)
A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing what they all want to do next.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000"

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiters eye

Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What?! And ruin my nails???
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to fix the Martinis.
A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.

Q: Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...

Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

Q: How many white supremacists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None...The light bulb in their heads never comes on!
A: At least 25, but once they get revved up on moonshine they'll realize the bulb is white and should refuse to change!
A: At least 50. But it never gets done 'cuz now the bulb is dark and they must organize a march against it!
A: All of them, until the moonshine tells them It has plenty of proof this is all a Jewish conspiracy!

Q: How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable tv pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to screw in a LIGHT BULB.
A: None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing. Even if they did they'd get someone else to do it.
A: One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of the soft white variety over all others.

Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.

Q: How many Wizard of Oz characters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because the scarecrow is too dumb to do it, the tin man doesn't have the heart, the lion is afraid he'll get electrocuted, Dorothy keeps calling, "Aunty Em!" and the wicked witch keeps screaming, "flip the damn switch!"

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%^&*! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY!?
A: BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS......

Q: Why does it take three women with PMS to change a light bulb?
A: Cause it does, RIGHT?

Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many WWF wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: Five. One to change it four to fake it.

Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, New Haven looks better in the dark.

Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
A: 15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.

Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.

Q: How many yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mu.
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A: Is the room dark if there's nobody there?
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A: A tree in a golden forest.

Q: How many Zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - one to stay home and try to convince someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands behind their actions.


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