www.donsbulbs.comwww.donsbulbs.com
 help 
 advertising 
reference
 
 Socket List 
 
 Equipment Lookup 
 
 Bulb Data Search 
 
 Library 
 
 Bulb Failures 
 Glossary 
 
sales
 
 Purchase 
 
services
 
 Bulb Locating 
 
 Price Quotes 
 
 Equipment Research 
 
 Bulb Specifications 
 
general
 
 Main Page 
 
 Welcome 
 
 General Info 
 Submit Data 
 
 Bulbs Wanted 
 
 Catalogs Wanted 
 light fun 
 
 humor 1 
 
 humor 2 
 
 humor 3 
 
 humor 4 
 
 puzzles 
shipped
WORLDWIDE

bitcoin
bulb indexes:
ABCDEFGHI
JKLMNOPQR
STUVWXYZ1
234567890
 
       volt amp watt cp
    
light humor

  page 1     page 2     page 3     page 4 

I have four pages of light humor which I've posted for everyone's enjoyment. If you are easily offended, DON'T read them! Got more? -- Thanks, Don

Try your hand at some challenging light related puzzles. If you know of other puzzles, email me!

Q: How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
A: Five. One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None. Just assume it's changed.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there!"
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the big deal, I could have done that."
A: Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.

Q: How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q: How many ADAH children does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ........................................... Oh look! A puppy.

Q: How many admin. assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than there are.

Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]

Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here."

Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know that!

Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five; one to change the bulb, and 4 to whine "It's too high!"

Q: How many American college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it)
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.

Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.

Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.

Q: How many American soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers for them to blow up and a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to explain "This tragic friendly fire incident."

Q: How many American stand-up comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
A: One to do it and the other 156 to blabber to the world how they've done something better then Canadians (for once).
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it was politically correct.

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against the will of God.
A: Never screw in a bulb! First dig the hole, ease the bulb in, cover with fertile earth and then water.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......

Q: How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ALL of their selves!!

Q: How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
A: It depends on the dance step.

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! Five of us were barely enough!

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

Q: How many antibiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.

Q: How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know but I bet it would take a whole lot.

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, but aol is gonna charge him up the a** to find out how many ways other people do it.
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple.'
A: Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but seven more do too, due to a software bug.
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the instructions on how to view a light bulb.

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the moment."
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the light bulb."

Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.

Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know what, What do you think?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb in an architect designed house?
A: None. You can't change the light bulbs in an architect designed house.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 9000 and its their light bulb

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A: Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs. (smash)

Q: How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, assholes never see the light anyway.

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?

Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Australians can find beer in a dark fridge.
A: Two. One to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.

Q: How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! A baby comes into the room and the whole room lights up.

Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock.

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They don't make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.

Q: How many bank vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to change the bulb, and half a dozen more to consider the impact of additional light on the balance sheet.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
A: Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)

Q: How many baritones does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just let the tenors do the work.

Q: How many baseball owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like being in the dark ages.

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards: twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
A: Who cares? Basses can't read music anyway!
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
A: None. We're too cool to change light bulbs.
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
A: Five. One to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.

Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.

Q: How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as you think it takes. P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian inference (and about the subjectivity inherent in "classical" inference) since then -- so spare us the flames about the misperceptions on which the above joke is based.

Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT & T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.

Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain," and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making light bulbs free.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.

Q: How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
A: With lubricant.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
A: The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "What's a light bulb?"
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
A: That's a rather personal question. If you're available on Saturday night, perhaps we could...
A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
A: Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to spin the ladder.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.

joke Three blondes.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.

Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb there and the other to play harp.
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about the old, worn out light bulb.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have their parents do it for them.

Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby Fischer?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimeters off it first.

Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles!"

Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
A: All of them.

Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they provide their own illumination.
A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.

Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.

Q: How many Buddhists does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to do it, one to not do it.

Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.

Q: How many Buick Grand National owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Since Grand Nationals travel faster than the speed of light, you never knew the bulb was burnt out in the first place.

Q: How many builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters and 'ave a go at yer damp an'all missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop round some numbers.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. We contract out for things like that.
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb...
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Five. One to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
A: Seven. One to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None."I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.

Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
A: Only one, but it takes him all night, and when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"

Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so no one bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Capricorns can't afford new light bulbs - unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.

Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.

Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.

Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

Q: How many censors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - ----- with a ------

Q: How many chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Do the dishes in the dark, woman!"

Q: How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are too "Short."
A: Twenty-one. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't going to hatch.
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never let a chiropractor change a light bulb! They always twist it until it pops!
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.

Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. But it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
A: 200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satan.ism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the light bulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the light bulb, then it may stay dark forever.

Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran.

Q: How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also provide a casserole. (ahem!)
A: Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
A: Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
A: Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
A: Methodists: 10 One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!
A: Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
A: Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
A: Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
A: Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
A: Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about you personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Q: How many CIA covert operatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to change the bulb and one to spread disinformation.

Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
A: Four... One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!

Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. Four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: Fourty-Five. One to change the bulb, and fourty-four to do the paperwork.

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None... "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."

Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!

Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because: * "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!" * "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?" * "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over." * "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere." * "We don't know what effect all this artificial light will have on the future of mankind." * "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet." * "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct." * "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity." * "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socioeconomic status, national origin, or need."

Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
A: Two. One to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q: How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You don't need a new light bulb - you need to upgrade your socket to the '486 version.

Q: How many computer science students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.

Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"]

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None."There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!!!

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; if the government just leaves it alone, it screws itself in.
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It depends on how much of the building needs to be rewired.
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A: I can't possibly answer that question without a full study of the problem.
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
A: One, but it takes another eight to call a meeting, to produce a leaflet entitled "coping with darkness."

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: None, it just fell down the stairs all by itself, sir.
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Q: How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the old one.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah!" and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why is there... an eggbeater, I think? ... sticking out of this light fixture?

Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'll all just sit in the dark and wait for God to say "Let there be light!"

Q: How many crusties does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least sound familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the light bulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders for them.

Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.

Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else changes the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10,001: One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!
A: 12,001: That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible.

Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...

Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 92 - As follows: 2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
A: 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
A: 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
A: 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.
A: 3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).
A: 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
A: 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
A: 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation - screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
A: 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group.
A: 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
A: 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
A: 10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
A: 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
A: You have to examine the nature of the question.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years...... cause they have to evolve opposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in.

Q: How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think? (Theatre humour)
A: Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!

Q: How many disaster recovery planners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of failure of the primary bulb.

Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.

Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)

Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A: None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
A: Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
A: German Shepherd: I'll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!
A: Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
A: Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
A: Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
A: Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
A: Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
A: Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
A: Chow Chow: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!
A: Akit: I'm with the Chow and Malamute! What's for dinner?
A: Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL mine!!
A: Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
A: Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
A: Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
A: Chihuahu: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A: Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A: Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
A: Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.

Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not! (Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then re decided to run after all.)

Q: How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!!

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A: One. But only after asking "Why? "
A: One... Two, and a-one two three four
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A: Ten. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to discuss how John Bonham would have done it!

Q: How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the room starts to spin.

Q: How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows; first you must find one awake enough to realize that the bulb has burned out.

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.

Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Q: How many dyslexics (sp?) does it take to bulb a like change?
A: Eno.
A: 6... or is it 9?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual (sp?).


  page 1     page 2     page 3     page 4 
 Website and contents © Copyright 2017 - all rights reserved - www.donsbulbs.com