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light humor

 page 1     page 2      page 3     page 4 

I have four pages of light humor which I've posted for everyone's enjoyment. If you are easily offended, DON'T read them! Got more? -- Thanks, Don

Try your hand at some challenging light related puzzles. If you know of other puzzles, email me!

Q: How many macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.

Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.

Q: How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on what you want it changed in to...

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.

Q: How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They try to fix the old one.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q: How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
A: None. They have the girls do it.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many marginals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many martial artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. One to screw in the light bulb and 99 to say "Our style has that technique, too, but we do it a little different."

Q: How many martians (mutants) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a half.

Q: How many Marvins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Light bulbs, don't talk to me about light bulbs. Brain the size of a planet and you ask me to change light bulbs.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

Q: How many math students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.

Q: How many mechanoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Twelve. Y'know why? Because they're so stupid!

Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: they do it in the fruit.

Q: How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Are you sure you want to go to red alert Sir? It does mean changing the bulb!"
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, it's like a man putting the toilet seat down... it never happens!
A: None. Men don't screw-in light bulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them.
A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
A: One. Men will screw anything.
A: One - and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds.
A: Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
A: None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed, " they are humanely euthanized.
A: Sixty-six. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (_what_ is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure that it really does add up to 66.

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5 to form a community and the rest of the church to vote on it.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as will fit in the El Camino.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
A: Only about six or seven hundred, but it takes them at least two years because they have to see how the Apple Computer people are doing it first so they can steal the technique.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.

Q: How many Mike Tysons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, one to screw in the light bulb, one to rape his girlfriend, one to beat the pulp out of it when it doesn't work, and one to talk like some skinny little white fag.

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Q: How many mimes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "..."

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)

Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q: How many mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say, "I told you so!"

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
A: Four!... No! Two... No Three.

Q: How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

Q: How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. Two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.

Q: Do you know How many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
A: Five. One to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.

Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have council fires instead.

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

Q: How many nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of themselves in their office.
A: Four. One to hold the light bulb ready, one to hold the ladder, one to set up the computer, and one to log on to this web site.

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.

Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras. (and optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.)
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future.
A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I wouldn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many New Jersey State Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 15--One to change the bulb, fourteen to attempt to rehabilitate the old bulb.

Q: How many new men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really go for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb in New Orleans?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, the second to screw the light bulb in, and the third to bribe the public official.

Q: How many new romantics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept, man!"

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your f....n' business, get outta my way!
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q: How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.

Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the new one in.
A: 5, one to hold the light bulb, 4 to turn the ladder.
A: 99, one to hold the light bulb, 98 to turn the house. (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.)

Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

Q: How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
A: Farm.

Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report.

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!

Q: How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.

Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.

Q: How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can't say.
A: Three, in fourteen countries.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10, 000 years.

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q: How many O.J. Simpson jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They voted it "not dark."

Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it anyhow, so why bother?

Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.

Q: How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
A: Six. One to screw in the light bulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.

Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

Q: How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
A: First he bites off the old one.

Q: How many Panamanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to actually do it and the other two to get drunk and watch.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who wants to know?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that, huh?

Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "And that's magic !"

Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's of no interest to them.

Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
A: None - with the billions of working light bulbs in the world, your odds of being next to a burned-out one are so small it will never be a problem for you.
A: They aren't certain, every time they do the math, they get a different number.
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder...
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the spec.

Q: How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the light bulb and the other to put the power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
A: "Let me show you this chart!!"

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A: None. It's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
A: None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.

Q: How many Ph.D. thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
A: One - if you can find him (or her)!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
A: Define "light bulb".....

Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
A: Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at the hospital to remove it.

Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Q: How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for 50p less.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Huh? The light's out?
A: What light bulb?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Q: How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story about "last night."

Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...... and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes 6000 Russian troops to make sure he doesn't go on strike.

Q: How many police does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)

Q: How many Police Academies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: VI, but they're all basically the same.

Q: What is the greatest Polish invention?
A: A solar powered light bulb.

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q: How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban light bulb jokes.

Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None."Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to take the credit.
A: Two. One to hold a press conference to inform the public that everything possible is being done to ratify the situation while another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it.

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Q: How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Doesn't matter as long as it is done decently and in order.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But, it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred-twenty! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
A: Less and less all the time.

Q: How many presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q: How many Prince Edward Islanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose their pougy (unemployment insurance).
A: 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the summer) then quit and go on pougy for the rest of the year!

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the screwing began.
A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.

Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
A: How long have you been having this phantasy?
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A: Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.
A: One.

Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
A: How long have you been having this phantasy?
A: How many do you think it takes?

Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
A: Four."Why four? " I just reckon it to be about four, pal. Want to make something of it?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.

Q: How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.

Q: How many pygmies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three...

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many quality managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Q: How long does it take Dan Quayle to change a light bulb?
A: A long time. He's got to learn to spell before he can read the instructions on the box.

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....."

Q: How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q: How many `real men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many `real women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.

Q: How many red necks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.

Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
A: Just one - Nancy.

Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embarrassed to ask.

Q: How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.

Q: How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Q: How many red necks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
A: Five, one to change it, one to drink a beer to it, one to write a song about it, and two to go to the parking lot and fight about it.

Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor
A: None, they turned that responsibility over to the states.
A: Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.

Q: Why did the light bulb cross the road?
A: Because it saw two elephants coming.

Q: How many road workmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change the light bulb and four to lean on their shovels and watch the one working.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None."I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
A: One, two! One, two! One, two!
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.

Q: How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.

Q: How many rocket scientist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None they just tell Marcus to do it.

Q: How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixteen--and that's no joke

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent for light bulb changing.
A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. They need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.
A: Ch'iv na myinki blish.
A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.


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